This is me

Well....here goes here I am.

I'm Michelle, 35 years young - Amazing wife to an (almost) equally amazing husband and Mother to 2 boys....YES 2.

My eldest turns 8 this year, my youngest...well he lives on in Neverland.

Neverland?! Yup.

You know the place where kids remain kids because in Neverland no one ever grows up.

My boy Reggie made his journey to Neverland Wednesday June 24th - late evening.

So yes although I can only hold, hug and kiss one of my boys....I am still a mother of 2, and from that moment on life for me has changed forever.

I never planned on telling Reggies story - not in this way.

His story should have unfolded in the photos of his first cuddle with his big brother Jaxon, his first pair of shoes, his first day of School.

Instead I am telling a story about a little boy instead destined for Neverland.

The death of a baby or a child isn't something that is spoken about too often. The subject is far too taboo to speak about openly as it isn't the right order of things really is it?

We can speak about an older relative that may have lived a long good life with fond memories, but the mention of the passing of a minor and everyone shuts down not knowing really what to say.

Up until I lost Reggie I had no idea just how many pregnancies result in a loss.

1 in 4. for every three mums that will get to watch their baby grow and capture them milestones there is one mother who will grieve for the milestones she cannot.

You would think that these losses are early on. Nope....whether it is an early loss, loss due to abnormalities and having to terminate, a later pregnancy loss, loss at birth, loss shortly after birth a loss is just that...a loss. (This isn't even the full extent of they types of loss)

Whether someone has lost their baby at a few weeks gestation, a few hours old or even a few years old they should be able to grieve and discuss their loss just as someone who has lost an older relative could, with no feeling of shame or discomfort in reaching out.

You may have noticed I haven't used the term 'miscarriage.'

I hate the word. In my opinion it generalises baby loss and quite often when heard people assume 'it must have been like a heavy period' or 'just cells were lost, not an actual baby.'

I have heard these comments myself - long before I lost Reggie and to be honest I probably thought the same. How shameful.

Why did I think like that? Well I had never experienced it, nor been around women that had spoke about it openly so I was uneducated - Yet it took a horrific experience of my own to educate me.

So I guess I want to share with you Reggies story - not because I want sympathy, or pity (I've had that and the whole head tilt that accompanies the pity look just makes you feel like an even bigger bag of shit) but because I want my son to be remembered for being just that - My son.

I will speak about him when I want to, and if that makes you feel uncomfortable then well...maybe decide if we should be friends...because he deserves to be remembered.

He is not some dirty little secret I need to keep to myself, he wasn't 'just cells' or a 'heavy period' nor was he 'a retained product of conception.' (Yep that's the medical term used when your baby may not have come away fully.

He was, HE IS MY SON.

So in sharing Reggies story I hope that many other mums and dads can openly speak about their lost children, because in doing so we may just be able to move forward together and remove the stigma surrounding the loss of children.

I read that grief is just love with nowhere to go...so let us share the love we have for our children and help us learn to live with grief as our new sidekick.

If you have stayed with me up until this point, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

If you find it too difficult to continue and read Reggies story, that's fine too...maybe one day you can revisit.

Just don't be the person that avoids speaking to me because you don't know what to say or avoids making eye contact because you feel uncomfortable.

Believe me - your actions speak volumes, even when you have nothing to say.

Until next time,

Michelle xXx