Distractions

Well it’s been just over 2 weeks since Reggie went looking for that second star.

2 weeks...but it feels so much longer.

This exact time last year I was on a plane watching ‘Fighting With My Family.’

Gin in hand, I was desperate for the next 2 weeks to slow right down. If I could have stuffed an extra couple of hours into each day within those 2 weeks then I would have done, we were heading to our favourite place on Earth - Florida! 😍

Of course time flies when you are having fun and those 2 weeks zoomed by, and now exactly 1 year on the universe has decided to punch me in the gut...and take this moment right here to slow shit down. 😒

Every moment of every day is now a constant battle of finding something to occupy my mind with.

Being left alone with your thoughts and Google aren’t a good mix and so I find myself making lists to try and keep myself distracted.

The lists aren’t of anything in particular...food shopping lists, deliveries that I am waiting on, errands to run, Jaxons 8th birthday etc.

You name it...it’s probably on a list!

I can’t switch off, I can’t just be in the ‘now’ for 5 minutes.

I feel ‘lost.’ I am missing something...

You know that feeling you get when you misplace something and you frantically search for it but can’t find it no matter how hard you try.

You know you had ‘it’ but you have no idea where it is now. And so you can’t settle....you are uneasy.

That’s how I feel daily...except I KNOW what I am looking for is gone, no matter how hard I keep searching.

So in between the park dates and limited days out with my little sidekick (bastard Covid has a lot to answer for this year!) I am trying to keep myself distracted.

I have been reading quite a bit.

I decided to read about loss.

I wanted to read about similar experiences where the writer had come out the other side fighting and was doing just fine.

I wanted to see if they had the textbook answers to how I should be feeling, what I should be doing, when I can expect these feelings to end etc but so far none of them have.

There is no textbook guide that serves as a walk through guide for the rest of your life.

What I did find is that there are ways I can make it a little more bearable while I still figure it all out.

I read the most beautiful book by a very brave lady Ellie Wright.

‘Ask Me His Name’ is her beautiful boy Teddy’s story. A very much loved little boy who sadly only got to stay with his mum for 72 hours.

Although our losses were very different, page for page she was describing exactly how I felt...and I took comfort in knowing that what I was feeling, someone else had been there too.

It’s hard to just blurt out exactly how you feel because you feel so many emotions all at the same time and a lot of that time you don’t even feel like you are in your own body, so to know I (sadly) wasn’t alone in the way I was feeling was a little comforting.

It is a must read book...FOR EVERYONE.

I also read ‘The Baby Loss Guide’ by Zoe Clark-Coates.

Another brave Mummy who has experienced multiple loss and decided to speak of those children, this isn’t her first book so it touches briefly on her loss but also features a collection of experiences from bereaved parents.

The second part of this book contains a section on 60 days of support and journaling.

It was this in particular that I was drawn to.

I wanted to pull away from making lists before it began to send me crazy so needed to try a different distraction.

I decided to start the journal section of this book the day after Reggies funeral - today I am at entry number 18.

There are various prompts in this part of the book to get you to open up how you are feeling that particular day, it might ask you to list something good that happened that day, or write down 3 memories that you have that make you really happy to remember them. (Not necessarily relating to your loss)

I am currently enjoying working my way through the plan and often flick back to see how i was feeling on a particular day as opposed to the present, and have naturally seen a fluctuation in my moods and emotions.

This has helped me to see that I can have a good day, and the journaling has helped me cut down on the list making so it’s already a win.

It’s also given me an opportunity to think about changes I may want to make, or new skills/hobbies that i may want to learn and so focusing on these thoughts now rather than the negative ones surrounding Reggies fate are also providing a distraction.

Jaxon being away from home next week is going to be the real test of time - he’s off on a little holiday with Nanny Moo. Skegvegas be ready for my little whirlwind!

At the end of my 60 day journal I am hoping I will be able to flick back through the pages and see a positive change in dealing with time, because at the moment I feel like I have waaaaay too much of it on my hands.

Until next time maybe,

Michelle xXx